“At times it seems I am getting worse”

The beginning of the second chapter of Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer’s book, Amazing Nearness:

I get so disheartened.  I am frequently in touch with the Lord, yet I am always falling away from Him.  I am always falling in the same old way.  At times it seems I am getting worse.  Furthermore, it is He who is inviting me to follow and unite with Him.  I am not starting it. He is.  He is the way; He is lighting the way.  He is the grace that leads me on.  I know so little about this because He doesn’t want me to know His mysterious operations within me.

I ask how I can avoid getting so disheartened.  Yet it is success that should really surprise me.  I have to remember that the Lord only enters my heart through the failures that cause my spiritual emptiness.  That is where faith comes in.  He wants me to be inundated with problems so He can stay with me.  Then I will want Him more and more.

I need to be patient with myself.  He doesn’t get disheartened with me, so why should I get so upset?  He loves me just as I am.

Fr. Dajczer, of course, is not condoning complacency here.  We need to, of course, be quick to repent and try to change.  But he recognizes that even as we try so hard, there are many times when we still fall.  These are the times he is speaking about:

It is often hard for me to be forbearing [with myself], as I want everything immediately so that I am better than others.  Yet God is not in a hurry.  I am the hasty one with an interior hubbub.  This impedes my spiritual progress.  My impatience may look like zeal or even righteous indignation.  I forget that this can be self-love or greed.

The answer, as always, is full surrender to Him, to His time and His plan.  To be patient with ourselves and with Him.  ” He wants me to be inundated with problems so He can stay with me.  Then I will want Him more and more.”

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