Originally posted on Mudroom.
I can feel the tears
And this time I’m trying really hard to stay near You
But I can feel the water behind my eyes
Sometimes making it hard for me to see You.
I can feel the waves of doubt
Hitting me like bullets in a windstorm
And I’m squinting my eyes
Trying to see You although my vision often times feels weary and worn.
But I did say that I would seek You
In hope as well as in despair.
I did say that this time I would keep You near
And not push You off like You don’t care.
I did say that I would not close off my heart
Like I’ve done so many times before.
I did say that I would try out this new journey of trust
Even if it meant walking while I’m sore.
And yes, sometimes I feel like I have a limp,
And yet, I have to walk through my daily routine like nothing’s wrong
But this time, I’m trying to stay near Your heart
So I can hear You as You delight over me with a song.
There’s a decision to make.
I can hear an old soundtrack playing a familiar tune.
It invites me to cast off this fight to be strong
And instead recline to a familiar position that doesn’t trust You with this wound.
The familiar tune encourages me to shove off assurance
And keep distrust as the forerunner of thought
While passing the baton to victimization and dismay
Oftentimes keeping any opportunity for peace at fault.
And I know that tune
I can sing and belt out every word.
It’s the song that I know all too well
Because in some broken places in my heart, it’s the only song I’ve ever heard.
But I said I would listen to new lyrics
Ones that emphasized your faithfulness—even in tears
Lyrics that take away my woe and sorrow
Even if that’s all I’ve known for years.
I made a vow to my heart
That I would lean back and let You lead.
So this time I’m not letting my own opinions go first.
I really want You to succeed.
I know all too well—the feeling of doubt and distrust.
I’ve practiced that life for far too long
And it took me in painful circles
Even though I was the one who let it go on and on.
I’d like to try something new,
And I understand new doesn’t mean shiny and pain free.
New does mean Companionship with You, the Comforter,
Who has promised to remain ever so close to me.
You will be here
Even though I might cry, and weep, and fall limp with pain,
But this time I’m not by myself.
I can lean my heart up against You who too has endured the same.
I’ve found a friend
Someone who is beckoning to journey this path with me
And even though I at times might feel shame and condemnation
You have come to rescue me from that false identity.
I can take a deep breath
And not try to be a superhero without a power or a cape
Instead I can actually stand in His shelter
And let Him save my heart, my emotions, and the day.
Goodbye eternal misery
Goodbye to the endless trail of no hope and emptiness
Hello Comfort and Life
Hello to the One who has come to give me rest.
Sing Your Song over me Jesus!
Push out everything that would prevent me from hearing.
Sing Your Song over me Jesus!
Help me lean back, I let You lead, You are the only one I want steering.